“Draw, Doctor McKenzie. ” – Timestalkers (1987)

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There are films from my yesteryear that I barely remembered into adult life. They came and went and often turned out to be cult classics. I have a good record in the cult classic department: The Last Starfighter, Krull, Big Trouble In Little China and The Care Bears Movie. All classics that people younger than me think are cool. Yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself. Back to the forgotten films. There was one film that came along and I’d had completely forgotten it was an actual film. This was around  the same time I watched Adventures of the American Rabbit and The Adventures of Mark Twain so it’s a bit hazy. The film was called Timestalkers and it was one of the first movies I ever saw that tried to explain the concept and problems of time travel. I had seen time travel before in things like Star Trek but that was always a kind of sanitized phenomena where everything was wrapped by the 45 minute mark. Here, the usual tropes of time travel are on display but it’s a more personal film. Let’s get started.

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timestalkers_6Scott McKenzie (William Devane) is a college history professor, family man and old West gun nut. I’m not saying anything bad of him, he likes his little pop guns but his family is more important. However, tragically, his wife and young son are killed in a car accident right outside his home. A year later, he’s the same man but lives alone, his friend Joe Brodsky (John Ratzenberger) as his only real companion. He and Joe attend an auction for some old West memorabilia and buy a pair of steamer trunks. Looking into the history of the trunks, they come across a photo dated circa 1880’s. The picture shows three men who accosted a man named Joseph Cole (Klaus Kinski) in a frontier town saloon and who got shot for their trouble. The man who shot them is in the picture. But he’s holding a gun that comes from 100 years in the future. When McKenzie writes up about the paradox, he is then approached by a woman named Georgia (Lauren Hutton) who offers to help him and goes with to the town where the picture was taken. It’s only then that McKenzie realises Georgia is from the future, so is Cole and Georgia has been sent to stop him.

timestalkers_8I know that’s only a paragraph of description but this all takes about 25 minutes to play out. At this point McKenzie doesn’t even know why Cole is travelling in time. In the 26th century, Georgia’s father and Cole invented a time travel device and Cole wanted to use it for his own reasons. Michael Crawford (Georgia’s dad) thought it too powerful for anyone to use for their own purposes. Cole doesn’t agree, steals one of the devices and escapes into the past then Georgia is selected to track him down. Now, here’s where things get a bit screwy. You see, Cole thinks by going back and killing an ancestor of Michael (who is an advisor to US President Cleveland), he ceases to exist in the future along with Georgia. But that would probably cause Cole to fail in his own past to invent time travel. That being said, Cole IS being played by Klaus Kinski and that man was crazy, demented and, according to recent reports, a pretty sick person. So we never stop to think about the paradox of Cole undoing his own work before it ever happens but at the same time going back in time to do just that. Klaus Kinski just has that ability to make you stop asking such questions. The best part of the film is the combination of the science fiction, detective and wild west genre’s of storytelling. Georgia and McKenzie know when Cole will strike, they just need to know where. Cole himself becomes more ruthless and desperate to succeed as the two heroes get closer. Hell, he kills Cliff from Cheers! for God’s sake. timestalkers_3The film doesn’t stay in the one period, jumping between the 1980’s and the 1880’s as they try piece together an old legend of how Georgia’s ancestor was saved from a group of bandits. Once he realises what Georgia can do, you can see the delight in McKenzie’s face when he knows to save the future, he has to time travel. Devane as McKenzie has always been a favourite actor of mine and it was nice to finally remember where I knew him from after watching him in Payback (1999) and Space Cowboys (2000) and having a blast. McKenzie is quick witted and finds the perfect foil in Georgia, a woman who can interpret and understand the problems they face trying to track a time jumping madman. Lauren Hutton, I know next to nothing about except I remember her from Starflight One, which stars Lee Majors as the Captain of a marooned spaceliner in Earth orbit. Hutton goes straight for a depiction of a future person who knows enough to blend in and avoid the stranger in a strange land type that litters the cinemascape in these types of stories. I like Ms. Hutton and must see more of her stuff. John Ratzenberger as Joe is a great role at a time when he was most famous as Cliff in the aforementioned Cheers! and he comes across as a serious military general who also wishes that his friend would move on with get out and meet people. Some of Ratzenberger’s trademark quips and one liners litter his scenes with William Devane. He’s one of the best character actors around and he’s always welcome in any film I watch.

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Now, I have to address a problem with Klaus Kinski. People have always known the German actor was mentally edgy and possibly deranged. His frequent collaborations with Werner Herzog (and indeed their numerous bust ups) are the stuff of legend and his performances are electric, often manic and always a talking point. I was watching an 80’s sci-fi called Creature on Netflix and it was kind of terrible and then Kinski suddenly turned up and everything became awesome. Performers react against Kinski. he just continues acting, that’s the kind of actor he was. Recently, revelations about Kinski the man have proved to be very sordid and, if true, repulsive. I’ll let you Google the details. timestalkers_5Suffice to say, my appreciation for him as an amazing performer comes with the thought that home life with him was horrific. So I have to say that now that I watch him in things like this, it’s twinged with the knowledge that he’s another person on a list of people I love to watch on celluloid but can’t stand them as a person. Here in Timestalkers, he plays a sad figure of a man who because he couldn’t accept that something he created was to be used for noble intentions, resorted to murder and the worst abuses of a person in high office. At the end of the film, he seems to accept his fate as dealt out by Professor McKenzie. Kinski gives a wonderful moment at the end where he realises the trap of predestination he fell into and congratulates the people who were able to avoid it. Kinski makes a TV villain role into something driven, vain and Faustian and my enjoyment of the film is better for it.

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The score of the film is by Craig Safan (The Last Starfighter, Good Guys Wear Black, Angel, Legend of Billie Jean) and again, elevates the project with a wonderful synth score and forlorn moments that highlight the points where McKenzie finds the courage to stand and make something in his life matter now that nothing mattered to him. It’s amazing that the score has never been available to the general public. Direction by Michael Schultz stays in TV mode but the film works beyond its origins and its best moments are a wonderful addition to the pulp sci fi genre. Schultz does fall on some tired tropes in the future with people wearing silver jumpsuits…because it’s THE FUTURE!!!. Also that same red laser science console from the Regula Science Lab in Wrath of Khan sure gets around. The film also fails to address the most glaring moment at the end of the film where an action taken by Georgia and McKenzie should have undone everything but it didn’t. But in a film where people are using solid crystals to jump through time, I should just run with it. Some amazing people who would go on to bigger things like John Considine (Michael Crawford), Tracey Walter (Sam) and the late James Avery (Blacksmith) turn up in the film and their performances add credibility, if not believability, to proceedings. Devane and Hutton form a great team and they have good chemistry throughout the film so when it’s time to say goodbye, I agree with William Devane when he laments that another good thing is leaving him. It’s the little things that make it all work.

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The trailer for this makes it seem like a kind of Runaway meets Star Trek mashup which is insulting when the effort is more low key and subtle and arguably works better then what CBS TV were trying to sell it as.  Shockingly, despite MGM owning the TV rights after CBS first ran it, Timestalkers has never been available on blu ray or even DVD. Why, when there are worse films on DVD, I don’t know. It’s available on US Netflix at the moment and for other people, there are video options online. If you find it on Netflix, add it to your watch queue or if you can find the VHS, speculate the couple of quid for it.

Timestalkers is a delight to watch, a simple time travel adventure to enjoy and celebrate when TV didn’t worry about confusing its audiences and just got on with a good story.”

“It’s the adventurers who make it.” – Space Raiders (1983)

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Can a film rise above crippling criticisms that it brought on itself and be a good film? Very few films that I know of can do this. Tim Burton’s version of Batman is such a film. Critics disliked it but it found it’s audience without them. Same goes for Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer. OK, I’m joking but you get what I’m saying. Space Raiders might fit the bill as well. It has two massive problems out of the gate but, by Jesus, it works hard to get me to accept it even with its problems.

Directed by Howard R. Cohen and produced by genre addict Roger Corman, Space Raiders tells the story of Peter (David Mendenhall), a young boy who lives on the planet Procyon III, who is playing in the warehouse where his father works for the all powerful Corporation. While he is there, a group of mercenaries, led by Capt. C.F “Hawk” Hawkens (Vince Edwards), break in to steal a cargo ship. In the firefight that erupts between the Corporation and Hawk’s people, Peter hides in the cargo ship. Hawk’s people steal the ship and Peter is suddenly lightyears from home with the mercs and Hawk. So far, so good, right? Except, Roger Corman is one of the best people in the business for getting the most bang for his buck. So after completing work on the 1980 movie Battle Beyond The Stars, he reused the musical score by James Horner and most of the special effects as well. When Space Raiders opens with the main theme from the first film, it’s a bit jarring to listen to. Remember, I grew up with Battle so this reuse of one of my favourite childhood film scores was a bit foreign. Also, no amount of gussied up footage can disguise Nell, Shad’s ship from Battle.

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But do you know what? It doesn’t matter at all. The special effects for Battle were awesome and are a good example of 80’s SFX knowhow. So the film reuses a bunch of competent shots from another film? I am failing to see a problem. Next, the score. Again, I am failing to understand how reusing an epic space opera soundtrack is tantamount to treason in the critic’s eyes. Horner’s score is brilliant and fits the tone that Space Raiders has so as long as Horner got his residuals, why did people flay Corman alive? The word lazy comes to mind but that doesn’t work with Corman’s kind of output. He paid for an amazing score that is suited to sci fi films. If he had used for a period drama, I might have said THAT was lazy. In any event, after listening to the two main criticisms, I’ve decided that there’s no merit to them. On to the film proper, then.

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The film takes a very short time to set up the particulars. Peter is OK in a non annoying way. He sure does get into a lot of trouble in a short amount of time. There are moments when Mendenhall plays Peter as just another innocent boy and then he knows when to shut up. After he finds himself on the pirate ship, a frantic scene unfolds where the crew run around trying to fend off an attack by the Corporation, who naturally want their cargo ship back, and Peter is thrown from one spot to the next as people move him around to deal with the threat. After helping the crew out of a problem that only a person his size could do, they arrive at a space station beyond the control of the Corporation. Here, the crew can relax and take a job from general evil curmudgeon and space godfather Zariatin. It’s only stealing a few fuel tankers and that’s about it. Too bad they also have to deal with a couple of deadbeats trying to kidnap Peter to ransom him back the Corporation. Oh, and there’s the problem of the huge remote controlled ship that the Corporation that is tracking Peter via the ID tag he’s wearing. It’s Sador’s ship from Battle but that’s not important since nobody’s aboard.

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The film works more as a kids adventure rather than something like Star Wars or Star Trek. Sure there are aliens and ships, TIE fighters, er I mean Corporation raiders flying at the good guys. But the film judges the world from Peter’s eyes and rarely comes out of it save in exceptional circumstances. Breaking from other films, Hawk’s crew don’t consider him a pain, beyond the initial trouble he causes. They are glad to see him and actively worry about him when he gets in trouble. Cohen makes no move to state whether the crew do this out of concern for Peter or if the fact that Hawk is worried about him is enough to motivate them. Only Amanda, a tough as nails gunner, shows anything coming close to contempt for the boy. The reason? Hawk wants her to take him back to Procyon III and then get away from the Corporation, trouble and Hawk. She doesn’t want to go and abandon her friends and her CO but Hawk seems to realise that their luck can only hold out so long. After Peter proves himself (in battle no less!), Amanda trusts him and we see the same determination to help Peter from her as we did from Hawk. These elements make this a kids adventure where the protagonists friends didn’t ask to have the kids around but do anything to protect him. The final twenty minutes, the body count on the side of good is very high and Peter looks like he realises the cost it takes to get him home. Also, using the footage from Battle, the ending battle is pretty explode-y and awesome but is John Saxon-less which is unforgivable. Also also, the Corporation turns out to be pretty lame except for its Death Ship. Well, that’s what they get for having it built on Tatooine -er I mean Procyon III! Ultimately, Cohen’s script suggests that you are looking at a kind of pseudo-Magnificent Seven where seven mercs have to save one villager.

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Lastly, I wanted to talk about Vince Edwards and David Mendenhall and their performances in the film. Edwards was a character actor and director who hit the big time with his portrayal of Dr. Ben Casey in the TV show of the same name and later become a TV director for such shows as the original Battlestar Galactica while maintaining an acting career. By the time he was playing Hawk he was 55 years old and a veteran of TV and film. Edwards plays Hawk with a sense of weariness that goes beyond the old gunslinger/soldier archetype. Hawk doesn’t see Peter and his survival as some kind of redemption; rather his code of ethics won’t allow him to abandon the boy to the mercy of the world. When it’s apparent that Zariatin wants rid of the boy off the station any way he can or failing that use him as collateral against Hawk, Hawk threatens to kill Zariatin and makes the promise sound serious. If I had to pick a tone Hawk has with Peter, it would be more like grandfather and grandson. He treats the younger members of the crew as his kids, looks out for them and worries about them. With Peter, he tries to impart his knowledge without making the universe seem like a worse place. Hence, the grandfather tone. David Mendenhall takes a lot of stick for his role in Over The Top but I tend to imagine that film is a documentary about professional arm wrestling that happens to feature Sly Stallone. Mendenhall is slightly annoying in that film but when you’re acting against Stallone and “GDM! I’m” Robert Loggia, you’re going to come up short. Here, he’s even younger and while I would say the amount of grief he gets into is very high, he doesn’t know Unix systems and he doesn’t think that THIS is podracing. Here, he’s along for the ride and never looks worried that he won’t get back home because Hawk promised him and every child believes what adults tell them until they have cause to doubt him. Cohen directs his performance whenever someone dies around him as happening so fast that he doesn’t have time to take it in. The only times this doesn’t happen is when he is around the people who die and he knows what’s happening. It’s a difficult thing to show: a young child grasping the concept of death and by the time the film ends, Peter knows what’s happened to him and is glad to be home. Hawk and Peter’s best moment comes when Peter asks him a version of “Why is this happening to me?”. Hawk’s response is: “Things are always happening that we don’t expect. Now, you can think of them as an ordeal or you can think of them as a great adventure. It’s the adventurers who make it.” These little moments the two have make the film better than its scripted material might have intended. The rest of the cast work in that way that only Roger Corman casts can work. They look like they are having fun and certainly are under no illusions as to how low budget this all is. Standout performances, aside from Edwards and Mendenhall are Patsy Pease as Amanda and Ray Stewart as Zariatin . Pease sounds tough but really does care about the people around her and even the new stowaway. Stewart takes what is essentially a villain in a rubber mask role and has some fun with it.

I know I’m in the minority here but I like the movie despite how it turned out. The cast seemed to be trying and the cheap sets and bad dialogue don’t mean anything to someone who watched every episode of the original Star Trek. Plus if you’re going to criticise the film for being a waste of your time then everyone (including myself) who went to see James Cameron’s sci-fi version of Dances With Wolves are worse having given their money for an even lazier script. People might criticise the film for being derivative and cheaply made but most similar things back then that didn’t have the words “Star Wars” were the same. Corman and Cohen make a decent stab of a space adventure and that’s all I want from a film most of the time.

Space Raiders is a film that are parts of its sum. Vince Edwards plays a older Han Solo-type against David Mendenhall’s Pawadan learner. With decent performances and a fun script, it is an afternoon matinee film knight to slay your boredom dragon.”

 

* I swear until I finished the review, I didn’t notice Howard R. Cohen wrote Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer. One of those weird coincidences.

 

Mr. Chekov, stand by on Space Uzi’s!! – Moontrap (1989)

Wow, childhood is a strange, multipurpose thing. On one hand, it’s a pain with all the mistakes and pains that go with not knowing that it’s the world that has a problem, not you. On the other, we experience things or make a note of them and they stay with us until we have the skillset to understand them. Or not as the case before me proves. When I was younger, I used to go to this video rental store in my town which was connected to a greengrocers (I know, it was a bit weird). While my mam would do the week’s shopping, I would explore the video shop *. Finding things like The Serpent and the Rainbow or that one with the cover of the skull in shades was a cool and frightening thing. These were films that I wanted to see but they also looked scary, especially if you turned over the back cover and saw gory stuff. C’mon, I was only ten! Anyway, one movie that caught my attention was something called Moontrap. Turning over the case, I was assaulted with this: MOONTRAP[1] machineNow, the cover that I saw had a dead body on it as well so I quickly put it down and would make a note to go in and look at the description when I was in next. Of course, it was rated 18 so there was no way I was going to convince my parents to rent it. Plus, I think I would have been too scared to watch it even if I could have rented it. So, once the shop closed for good (just before DVD’s came in around 1999), the title left my imagination and I forgot about it. Then a few years ago, I was in a forum discussion (I might be wrong on it being a forum but I can’t say for certain) and someone asked me what was a film that I had wanted to watch when I was little but couldn’t. I said the first thing that came into my mind and that was Moontrap. From then on, I kept trying to find a legit way of purchasing the film. I could buy a VHS but the money wouldn’t be going to the owners of the film. So I found the whole thing online and watched it in one sitting. The 80’s were a time when the ideas were only matched by the money being thrown at them. This was the decade that coined the phrase high concept which, while having quirky notions of grandeur, has fallen into disuse in recent years. I imagine that when Magic Films asked for the pitch for Moontrap, they probably got: “Mr. Chekov and Ash from Evil Dead vs. Outer Space Aliens!” Somehow, this was enough to bankroll the project because roughly two years later, the film was in a can and ready to be unleashed on the world. Because I refuse to think the people involved in this project were super excited about this. I don’t know why, just something in the manner the film is presented. In the future year of 1990, Jason “Einstein” Grant is in command of the space shuttle Camelot ray_jasonwith his spunky assistant Ray “Penetrator” Tanner and are going about the tedious task of satellite repair. Yes, those are their air force handles which we are forced to hear and yes, it is really that tedious because Jason has a god awful voice over at the start which a little too Star Trek for its own good. Soon enough, they are asked by NASA to check a large object coming into Earth orbit. By large, I mean fecking huge and by object I mean a space ship. Which is fecking huge. How does NASA not notice something that large entering Earth orbit? No matter, because Jason overrides NASA’s idea of Ray getting a closer look by going himself to inspect the ship. I’m going to come back to this. While near it, he sees hieroglyphics on the ship, finds a weird reddish orb and drifts right by a desiccated corpse. Next thing we’re in a lab at NASA on Earth and the orb isn’t giving up any secrets and the dead guy has been dead for 14,000 years and comes from the Moon, same goes for his ship. Jason and Ray are having to deal with a White House flunky who actually has the balls to suggest that NASA somehow faked the corpse, the orb, the data, the ship and the detour to the ship by the Camelot just to boost their budget. How nobody in the room didn’t pounce on the sap and beat the cotton wool stuffing out of him is a mystery. They leave to cool off and the orb opens to reveal a small robot who proceeds to bolt more pieces of equipment in the lab to it. Pretty soon, it’s up and walking around, killing researchers, destroying property and maiming and/or killing NASA security goons. Luckily, Jason, Ray, their boss and even the White House git arm themselves and start shooting along with everyone else who isn’t dead. Jason and Ray get a set of John Woo Infinite Shotguns and have at it. Jason, being the alpha male, braves the danger of the air duct and takes out the head which is made up of the orb and some extra parts. Are we going to the Moon? Yes, we are. moonbaseThe rest of the film plays out like a lunar version of Kings Solomon’s Mines and Stargate with Jason and Ray trekking (no pun intended) across the moon to an ancient base to find out about the robotic creatures and why they are there. Along the way, they meet up with Mera, a girl who has been in suspended animation for fourteen thousand years. She’s the last survivor of a colony of humans, I guess, who fought a war and lost to the Kaalium (that’s the pod robots to you and I). I hesitate to say more because a) you won’t have anything to be surprised by and b) you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. So instead lets talk about why I liked the movie despite it kicking itself in the nuts repeatedly. The film’s special effects are brilliant for the obvious low budget nature of the film. The Kaalium robots are classic H.G. Wells inspired creations with pincer claw hands and Terminator-esque walking gaits and HUD. We never get to see a central control, they just relentlessly murder people and chop them up for extra parts. There’s no stated reason for their rampage. I’ve read conflicting stories about them being a race of machines that encountered the humans on the moon and decided to wipe them out and in other discussions there seems to be a suggestion that the moon colony humans created the Kaalium. Either way, Jason and Ray come back to the Moon armed with Space Uzi’s, which don’t seem to run out of ammunition despite firing a hell of a lot of bullets. Which they use to shoot lots of them. Not that I mind them doing that. If anything else it allows me to mention a problem: the robots fall apart as if they are under the effect of gravity. So the creators of the film are not that concerned with science. This is a film where command modules can crash into the lunar landscape after being struck by lightening. I don’t know, folks, your guess is as good as mine. The remainder of the special effects are excellent model work for the space ships, big and without scale that we can pin down and the NASA space shuttles. The cast seems to be a mixture of TV and theatrical thespians. Walter Koenig is no slouch but he’s really not suited to the typical action hero role. Prone to internal crises, he doesn’t really make me believe he could lead a NASA mission to anywhere. Having said that, he does hold it together and never does anything out of character as he spends the bulk of the film setting himself up for the final act where he rolls a dice against his opponents and gets a six. Bruce Campbell chews through every scene he is in, working the sanguine Ray Tanner with a blue collar attitude despite the fact that as a NASA employee he is too well educated and shouldn’t be able to pull it off. But it’s Bruce Campbell and he can pull off anything. Here’s his oft-repeated line from the movie:

Leigh Lombardi doesn’t have any dialogue in the film aside from “Jason”, “Ray”, “Mera” and “Kaalium”. She has a dialogue scene at the end of the film but she’s deliberately performing the scene with difficulty so whatever the director was going for, it works. Mera is an excellent foil for the two men as she has to emote without dialogue and in a rubber spacesuit as well. She succeeds despite the amazing sex scene she has with Koening. That scene had me watching it with a mixture of feelings of titillation and whaaa? The rest of the cast are people who probably did a good job at auditions because very few of them have any work outside of Moontrap. The script just keeps going and the cast work with some crazy scenes where there’s no baseline for reference. Editing, the film wisely doesn’t bother showing us things like the launch of the rocket taking Jason, Ray and Command module Red Shirt guy to the Moon and skims over how Ray and Jason got the pod and the dead astronaut back home. The direction by Robert Dyke is even and utilitarian but the film still has fun when it wants to. I mean, where else would you get a scientist trying to peacefully make contact with a 12 foot tall alien robot, get shot in the arm for his trouble and then wheel around to the assembled meatheads with shotguns, shouts “Get the son of a bitch!!!” and jumps for cover? The film isn’t a horror or a sci-fi but has the best elements of both. It’s cheaply made but has a great team of effects and production staff to at least try to make you believe that what you’re seeing could be real. The report from the set is that for the Moon scenes, the staff used instant cement powder for moon dust and threatened to fire anyone who brought liquids on set. The final ten minutes really stretch my patience in that department and there are weird parts where the script isn’t helping matters for the crew or cast. Why do the “lightning” bolts the Kaalium shoot have the ability to make command modules crash on the moon? Or force space shuttles to make course changes? What was the moon base for and who were Mera’s people? Why do we need five minutes with Jason, his son and a discussion about Jason’s ex-wife? We are not told any of this but hey, it’s Mr. Chekov and Ash from Evil Dead fighting Aliens! Contrast this film with films like Apollo 18 where the effects are not backed up with a script that’s going somewhere with its payoff. Now you know why high concept films are not made any more. But there are only so many films Koenig and Campbell can do together, right? There’s a German blu ray and DVD that might be an upscale but is your best bet for owning a current format version of the film.

“Moontrap is a forgotten film with a wacky concept that has a good, workmanlike quality and great performances from Koenig and Campbell help glue the film’s weaker moments together.”

* The video shop had glass windows all around it so my Mam could see me at all times.

Daniel Stern, it’s all your fault!

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After more than a year away, we are finally back with a brilliant awful movie and an even better co-host!

Today on I Heart The 80′s Podcast, we have the one and only Paul Chapman, the Almighty Gooberzilla, master of the Greatest Movie Ever! Podcast. We are talking about the 1989 Abyss/Alien/John Carpenter’s The Thing rip off, Leviathan. Starring Peter “Robocop” Weller, Rambo’s Colonel buddy, Winston Zeddemore and Barry Allen’s girlfriend, this underwater cheese fest has bad acting, good direction, excellent special effects and a terrible ending.

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This aquatic film specimen shows traces of:surfer_weller

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Danger, high tech CRT monitors detected!

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Stupid Daniel Stern can kill, folks, remember that. Especially when he’s thinking about boobs

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Richard Crenna, Survivor of countless incursions into tired line delivery and Deus Ex Machina characters

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Still plays a better character here than in Dragonball Evolution

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What is thy bidding, My Master?

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Herpy Derp Mud Kips

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Say Hi, motherf- Oh, to hell with it…

Arse Mortar to the face, Chuck Norris style.

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Today on the I Heart The 80′s podcast, we have Ollie and Chris from the (former) Welcome to the Brain Palace podcast and from Drunken Master Red Comet blog, Chris Spratt, over to talk about The Delta Force, from the minds of Golan Globus and starring Robert Forster, Shelly Winters, Robert Vaughan, Lee Marvin and the concept of Chuck Norris.

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Tomorrow, When The Chuck Norris Began….

 

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Today on the I Heart The 80′s podcast, we have Alain from the Reverse Thieves and from Insert Disc, Patrick, over to discuss the technical documentary, Invasion USA, starring Chuck Norris and Richard Lynch. It’s more of a how-to for surviving the eventual Communist takeover of America. Because it’s so coming, ya know?

This kicks off our year of Chuck Norris reviews and it also kicks off the return, proper, of the I Heart The 80′s site. I am so sorry for neglecting my fans and listeners and I’ll be doing a mixture of written reviews and podcasts over the next six months or so.

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This documentary contains notions of:

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Junk Shots

time_to_die_yet

Is it time to die? Not yet

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Eddie Jones, being a dick

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The real reason Matt Hunter is fighting the Soviet invaders

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This is a nice place to live, is it not, Nico?

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Filthy foreigners, coming over here, stealing our jobs, women and Big Macs!

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Houses being blown up

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Swamp Houses being blown up

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Cars being blown up

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Why, yes, I often bring my guns to the supermarket

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Diet April O’Neil

taking_it_wellHe doesn’t take setbacks well, does he?

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Chuck Norris, detected. Our Ambush is under attack

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Tanks! Tanks everywhere!

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There’s a rocket launcher-carrying Chuck Norris behind me, isn’t there?

A very sad day

This is an apology to many people. But first an explanation:

As some of you might know, I have been promising a Big Trouble in Little China podcast for some time. Two years to be exact. The trouble (no pun intended) is that the first time we tried to record it we had technical issues I believe. The second time was to fill in the blanks left by the first recording.

OK, skip a few months. After doing an Ubuntu install on my computer, a crash took the podcast with it while I was still editing it. So, I asked my friends to help again and they came through. So we again shook the pillars of heaven. And again, I left it and decided to edit it another day.

Oh, Lord, I am so sorry for having offended you. This show was taken from me in another crash. But there was a ray of hope. Both of my co-hosts had uploaded their segments and so all I had to do was redownload them and sync them up with my own. Only one file was marked as corrupted. And so the podcast remains incomplete. I am so sickened by my lax attitude and the repeated bad luck I’ve had with this particular film that no work has been done on the podcast for over a year at least. I was determined to find that last file. I emailed everyone who had a USB stick I had loaned them. I searched through every file in my NAS and home computer. To top it all off, Audacity finally crashed and took my end of the recording with it and that was it.

First to my fellow podcasters, Dane Scaysbrook and Jeff Tatarek, I offer my complete and unreserved apologies. You have tirelessly given your time, love of the film and complete support for the podcast. No person could ask any more of you in these regards. You absolutely gave it your all and I failed you both miserably. I will not hear anyone say anything bad of you in any regards. In my book, you are the kinds of friends that I would have at my back all the time. I will always laugh and remember all the good memories I have had with you in doing the BTILC podcast. They were and remain time well spent with comrades.

To my listeners, I also offer my apologies and a promise that this will never happen again. I spent a long time thinking up this podcast because it’s something I’m passionate about. I love films and I love 80′s films more than anything. So for you to remain subscribed to the podcast through my incredible drought is nothing short of amazing. I promise that from now on, I will only record when I’m ready and will release shows in a timely fashion. Anything else, and I’m going to shut this enterprise down.

With that said, I thank all of you for reading this and hope to have something for you in the near future.

Fare thee well, my friends, the spaceways beckon.

Flaming Horses, Emo Errol Flynn, Liam Neeson and Space R*pe

Krull_Cover

Welcome back after such a long hiatus! Tonight in Theater 1 I have Jeremy from Destroy All Podcasts DX in talk about Krull, the best D’n’D movie that never was (and that beats the Jeremy Irons one too). Along the way we talk about Liam Neeson, Robin Hood, James Bond and Steve McQueen for some strange reason.

WARNING: Jeremy and I swear a LOT on this podcast. So if you can’t find an explicit tag on this in iTunes then I’m telling you that it is explicit.

Direct Download


This movie shows traces of:

colwyn

Smarmy Git. He knows he inherits a kingdom, title and space booty

space_bait

Admit it: You’d pillage a world for her. Or at the very least get a lot of men killed rescuing her.

little_help_here

I’m uncomfortable trying to explain this shot

stunt_double

Yeah. Nice going, Colwyn. Or should I call you Steve the stuntman?

failing

Should have rolled a Six.

bald_the_barbarian

An outlaw with a receding hairline? By the Ghost of Kevin Costner!

flaming_hooves

Read these words: FLAME HOOFED HORSES. There, I said it

umm

Umm, I can’t think of a way to put a good spin on this, folks

bad_thespian

Now I must die and leave you to deal with this f&%ked quest that I dragged you into

he_lying_girlfriend

The Beast: HE WILL BETRAY YOU

Lyssa: No, he won’t

Colwyn: I’m sorry but I love another

Lyssa: See!?!

The Beast: OH, F%&K IT ANYWAY!!!!

Buy Krull from these online sellers and help us out


Amazon UK

Amazon US



NEXT TIME ON I ♥ THE 80′S PODCAST:
sonabitch